All superheroes have an origin story. This is mine.
The only gay in the village
When people say they are from a small town, I always ask myself how they define small.
Do I have to know everybody's first name in a small town? And what happens if somebody
new moves to town? Does it magically become a big town?
I think what most people want to say is, they come from an unimportant place. Somewhere, but nowhere special. I am from such a town. It is a small town, an unimportant town.
For most people, that is fine. It doesn't really matter it the town is big, small, busy or quiet. They will grow up there, go to school, make friends, fall in love, have their hearts broken, fall in love again, maybe marry, have children and slowly grow older. Many never have to leave their small town. It might be small, but it has everything they need.
For some this is paradise, but what is it for me?
Of course there are gay people in small towns. Some grew up there, some even moved there. But when your are 12 years old, you are the only gay in the village.
I don't remember how old I was when I thought of the word "gay" for the first time. Maybe it was at the age of 12, maybe later. I surely knew I was not like the others. I think I was 14 when I realized that I enjoyed it a lot to shove my toothbrush down my dick. Who knew I just invented sounding?
When I was 16, I told two friends at school that I was gay. It was truly the first time I ever said it out loud. We talked about it for 30 minutes and then went back to all the other things teenagers talk about. Of course, back then I didn't realize just how good our friendship was and how blessed I was to have friends like that.
About a year and a half later, I came out to my parents. That was much harder. For me. My parents had no problem with it. I was the one in tears. They still love me. They never, even once called it a 'phase'.
After that I came out to other friends and never got any bad reactions whatsoever.
So, I should have been a happy gay teenager in my small town.
The problem was, I was still the only gay I knew. (I probably actually knew a few gay people, my geography teacher for example, but back then I did not see them.)
And then something magical happened. I got AOL. And, all of a sudden, there was gay everywhere. People, stories, pictures. I wasn't alone anymore. There was a whole world outside my small town, and apparently it was very gay.
Bigger things to come
Oh, it was good. The chat rooms where full of people and they were all eager to talk to this 18-year-old. I looked at profiles, chatted with people and jerked off in front of the computer. A lot.
Back in those days, it took about 30 seconds to download a picture. So, you had to really think about which of those entries to open. 'Hot man getting fucked in ass', 'Daddy has his cock sucked', 'Huge dick'...
Daddy? There was this older man, white hair, beard, chest hair and belly and this much younger guy was sucking his dick. How could that be? This kid could be his son. Wasn't that wrong? Maybe, but it was also insanely hot. I think I still have that picture somewhere. I wanted to be that kid. And suck that cock. I didn't really know exactly how that sucking worked, but the kid seemed to be enjoying it.
The good thing was there seemed to be a whole subsection of the Usenet with pictures just like that. A few more years will pass until I understand that I am a bear myself and learn about the subculture that goes with that.
Back then, one of my favorite websites was called chubnet.com but only a handful of
pictures were available freely. I did not have a credit card back then, nor the income to get a subscription. I did not really needed to see more pictures on that site, I had downloaded enough pictures from the Usenet by that point. Yet one small link at the bottom of the page caught my eye: 'Models wanted'. Now, I can be a very shy guy, but the thought of others seeing my pictures was very exciting to me. So I sent in some pictures. And naturally the pictures of an 18 year old chubby boy went up on the site immediately. The payment they gave me was a membership for the site. My real reward was the knowledge that my pictures were seen by all these other men.
So let's recap. Gay, 'invented' sounding, likes daddy bears, has nude pictures of himself on the Internet. You may ask yourself who took those pictures. I am getting to that next.
My first time
It was not that good. But I guess that is true for most people.
Chatting with gay men around the world was great, but i knew I would never meet them. So I started looking for chat rooms with local people. Thankfully AOL had even that.
I was still 17, he was 34. We chatted for a couple of weeks and exchanged some pictures. And when I was ready to meet him he drove from the big city where he lived to my small town. I didn't really know what I was supposed to do our how, I just wanted to make him happy like the pictures I had seen. He was very nice and understanding and I somehow managed to actually give him a blowjob. I am sure it was not a good one. But he did cum. Then he jerked me off which was ok but not great and then he drove me back home.
I did get better at giving blowjobs. He let me practice on him many times. And soon he was fucking me, too. Oh I loved that.
He eventually found a boyfriend who was about ten years older then him. Even better, now both of them wanted me over. I was in heaven. And they liked to take pictures. Me getting fucked, me sucking them off or just me naked around the house.
A boy's life
I was always naked around them. I wasn't allowed to wear anything but sneakers. I didn't
think any of it. He would pick me up at a bus stop near my home and then tell me to
undress right there in the car. I always did. I always did what he told me to do.
Did I know I was the toy boy? Hell yes, and I loved it. I knew my place and I was very happy there. Sometimes they would have more people over and I was there for everyone.
It lasted maybe a year. Then they had some kind of a fight and broke up. The boy was forgotten and I was alone again.
My first time, again
Jürgen must have been atone of the parties I had served at as a boy. I guess that is where
he had gotten my email address. I never asked.
I really don't remember anymore what he wrote me, but I agreed to met him. I told him what bus stop to pick me up at and he did. He didn't say anything and I was too shy to start a conversation. So we drove in silence for a while until he stopped at a rest stop on the highway. I had met some men before who I had blown rest stops and I thought: ok that is what he wants. But when I started to lean over to unzip his pants, he told me to get out of the car. Unsure why I had to do that I got out of the car and he followed after. The next sentence he spoke did shock me quite a bit: 'Get undressed now!'
No other cars were there and the rest stop was no really visible from the highway but still. I was in public. Close to home. What would happen if anybody saw me?
I should take a break and tell you that what I did back then was really stupid. Getting in cars with strange men I didn't know and without telling anybody where I was going. Anything could have happened. I was always lucky, nothing bad ever happened. Still, I don't recommend it.
Back at the rest stop, I was still thinking about what was going on here and what to do. I guess I didn't do anything for a while because all of a sudden he slapped me in the face. Not very hard, there was no real pain, just utter shock. 'I said undress' I was reminded and this time I did. When he saw that I was rock hard he had a big knowing smile on his face. I didn't understand what was going on back then. My head was spinning out of control. He just slapped me, why was I hard, why did I seem to like this? What is wrong with me?
I have to say that the rest of that night is a bit of a blur. We did get back in the car and drove on, me being naked. He did not hit me again that night.
He was the first person I called "Sir".
Unfortunately, it did not work out. We played together a few times and he introduced me to the basics. Sir Jürgen was never brutal or scared me off with what he did, but in the end there just wasn't a connection between us.
I know now it was my inner struggle that was still going on and I just didn't allow Sir Jürgen in.
Something had to be wrong with me, nobody wants to be have his nipples tortured or get spanked for fun. That just is not right. I needed something more normal again. I would hunt me down a new daddy bear.
Why yellow is my favorite color
I would get lucky eventually and I found a daddy. He was in his early forties and I was 19. His name was Dirk and he helped me in countless ways. He was my daddy and my mentor. He was to me what every young gay guy should have. He explained gay culture to me, showed me the things every gay man needs to know and was always there for me when I had problems with boys. I was never very good dating guys my own age.
So whenever I could, I would hang out with Dirk and his boyfriend. Eventually I would meet a nice guy my age, Kai, and he would be my boyfriend for a couple of years. But Dirk was always my shoulder to cry on and my guidance through rough waters. He helped shape me. He even offered to get me out of the compulsory German military service. He even strongly influenced the topic I would end up studying. His handwriting can be seen all over me.
And he had a big collection of porn on VHS. Remember back in the days, when videos on the Internet where the size of a stamp and about 5 seconds long? It was more stimulating to watch scrambled porn on the pay TV channel than Internet videos. But Dirk had a big collection on tape and I enjoyed watching them with him.
He also had a very special interest I had not heard of before: watersports. He had lots of movies with guys pissing all over each other and drinking each other's piss. But we would watch those only when his boyfriend was not there. He just wasn't into that.
Dirk never asked me or made any suggestion that he wanted to piss on me. I really don't think he considered it a possibility. So one day when he went to the bathroom, I just followed him. He had a very puzzled look on his face when I dropped to my knees. He didn't want to, but I begged. I knew it would make him so happy and I wanted nothing more than to make him happy. It did make him very happy. I did not like it at first, it was bitter and hard to swallow, but I managed. But it made my daddy happy. His smile would light up my heart and soul. And seeing him happy made me happy. He did explain to me at some point what this kind of transference is called but I have honestly forgotten. I only know that the happiness stayed and is still here, making yellow my favorite color.
Off to the world
So, my small town ended up not being that small. I maybe didn't do what most people do, not even what most gay people do, but that is a good thing. Who would want to live according to the book?
I did go out to see the world and to big cities. I had good and bad experiences everywhere.
Maybe I will continue this story at some point but until then let me tie up some loose ends for you. I did end my struggle at some point and accepted who I am. I am a kinky sub bear
who needs to get tied down, have his nipples tortured, his ass slapped and get peed on. And I love it. I wouldn't want to change who I am for anything.
Text and Photographs Copyright Pup sniffer