Another slightly off-topic post from me this week, but I feel that this is one I have to write. Recently, there was a discussion on a Facebook Group, prompted by a question from a group member. The question was as follows:
"Tell me guys... do you believe in monogamy? Is it possible for a relationship to work in such a situation? Or, do you feel that opening up the relationship is the way to go? What are your thoughts?"
This prompted quite a discussion! And some of the discussion got me quite angry! My position on Monogamy is simple - Great if it works for you, it doesnt work for me!
If you know me at all or have read the About Us section of this site - you will know that I have three men in my life - my husband, my boy, and our pup. I love them all, in different ways but all three are important to me. So what was it that upset me? Statements like this:
- "IF you are a pig find another pig to marry."
- "What is the point of marriage if you are being open about your relationship?"
- "I did not bring this topic up, however, if you need more than 1 person in a relationship something is not being fulfilled by your partner, period. And possibly there is a major flaw in communication, because if there wasn't you wouldn't need more than that person. If the excuse of "Men are wired this way" is used explain those that are monogamous?"
- "I've heard this question before and it drives me nuts...I would not even share my man with no one and the thought of an open relationship is just crazy"
- "If open relationship doesnt mean cheating WTF does it mean?"
See what I mean? Some of these really annoyed me as it illustrates the number of very narrow-minded gay guys out there who have the "My way or no way attitude". They are, in my opinion, doing the same thing that many straight people do when talking about gay marriage - i.e. using a very narrow, interpreted definition of marriage. What is my definition of marrriage? Simple "A legal union of two people who love each other are making a life-time comittment to carry out the rest of their lives together" Marriage does not, in my book, mean monogamy. If some guys want to have a monogamous marriage, great - I am really happy that you can get all of your needs fulfilled by one man, I cant and that does not exclude me from marriage.
But, the last quote "If an open relationship doesnt mean cheating WTF does it mean?" This was one example, but many guys in the conversation were saying the same thing. If there is one thing I hate its cheating, and it shocked me that so many guys think an Open Relationship = Cheating!
I have never, and will never cheat on a guy. Cheating to me means going against an agreement, doing something that you know will hurt/upset your partner, breaking rules that have been agreed etc etc.
There are many types of Open Relationships - some have rules, some dont. Some have rules that evolve and change over time the important thing is that the people involve communicate, listen, and understand.
I have been with my husband for nearly 16 years now, and we have been married for nearly 10 of those years. We were never monogamous, but we had rules. As our relationship matured, some of these rules didnt work for one or both of us so we talked about it, and agreed removing the rule or changing the rule together before either of us broke it.
Before I collared my boy, I had told my husband that I was looking for a boy or slave. When I found my boy, and collared him initially I didnt tell my husband simply because he was going through a bad patch at the time and I didnt want to give him any more to think about. This bothered me, and my boy. When my husband was better I told him and he was fine with it as I already told him that I was looking - and he was expecting me to make that commitment. When we collared our pup, he had no issue whatsoever.
I am a lucky man. I have a great husband, a great boy, we have a great pup and I have the best BFF on the planet. My boy is also my BFF's boyfreind, our pup has a Daddy in the UK and we are all happy - is that wrong? Should I not be allowed to get married? Or, to quote a message I received on facebook am I "the reason straight people dont want gay people to get married"? NO WAY!
In closing I have one wish - that you find the relationship or RELATIONSHIPS that make you happy and that make you feel as content as I do.