How to be an ass


Me and my ass have been in a shitty relationship until I decided to Google how to clean it properly. The weird thing is,  bottoms amongst each other don’t really talk about it while they all do it and maybe have some tips to share about it. The internet is a fine source of information if you take the consensus of several websites but what works for someone else might not work for me.  So, should I regurgitate the things I read online or just post the links? Just the links would make for a short blog.  I think I’ll give the highlights (sounds better, if less kinky, than regurgitating) and add some details that seem common sense to me and some highly personal / embarrassing practices might spice up this post.  Second, do I only talk about cleaning or fucking as well? I’m pretty anal when it comes to cleaning. I refuse to deal with any funky smell anywhere, a side effect from coming out in the height of the AIDS epidemic.  So, I’ll focus on cleaning.

the basics:

The way to clean out is with “the water, the whole water and nothing but the water”. Oh, and lube, plenty of lube.

Most people use a douche rod (aka enema set) for cleaning. It can be bulb-activated or (indirectly) hooked up to your shower.  I see 2 types or rods nowadays, the ones with multiple small holes at the end and the funnel type (one large hole in the center), making the rod more of a tube. Everybody warns against high pressure against the delicate walls of your ass but you still want some volume of water going through. So, if you’re in the market, go for the funnel type.  High volume of water  * small holes= high pressure.  high pressure + delicate walls = hemorrhoids. Do the math!

The timeframe: If you want to get hammered, a few hours before. Cleaning dries our your ass a bit, and this gives it time to recover. If you’re new to this, make a night out of it. Changes are, some side-effects might keep you busy the rest of the evening. In any case, take it slow. If you're as sub, you probably like to be forced during play but don't have your ass out of business because you forced yourself during prep.

For temperature, it should be lukewarm. For me that's “meh, at least not cold” on the hand and “hmm, piss is warmer” on the thigh.  I personally like warm water but be aware this may cause you anal walls to slough off ( the whitish membranes that appear in your expelled water), lukewarm will actually help you open up more than cold or warm water will.

Lube the rod and your ass on the outside before starting. I normally use silicone based because water-soluble products are, surprisingly, water soluble. But if you anticipate some rimming action, your top (note, did not say Dom) might not appreciate munching on stale frying fat.

If you’re tight, just put the tip of the rod at your ass and let the velvety water make its own insidious pathways into you. Some light(!) pressure will gradually let the rod slip in.  Remember to relax and breathe. You probably know the anus is S-shaped front to back, so pointing the rod away from the bellybutton and toward your coccyx will make penetration easier.

DO NOT CLENCH TIGHTLY  ON THE ROD!  That’s another way to get hemorrhoids. Just relax and let the water drain out of you as its being fed into you. You might want to take the rod out for a moment to let some chunky-monkey business out.

Once the water runs clear, let your ass fill up with water by clenching LIGHTLY on the rod and take it out when you feel you’re full. Hold for as long as you can without forcing yourself but no longer than 5 minutes.  Breathing will help the water get further and enable you to hold on to it for longer. Rinse and repeat until the water is clear.

Basically you’re done now. Do I really need to tell you a normal shower at this point is a good idea?  For those who are confused, a hint: your legs are covered in ass-juice at this point.

However, if you cleaned too much and aren’t used to that, you might get the feeling of having the worst case of the runs ever, with nothing coming out.  Or you ass might decide to give a liquid encore 10-30 minutes later. I’ve had that in the first year I cleaned. Your body gets used to being cleaned and/or you learn what not to do.

The intermediate:

If you want to clean further, besides your colon being S-shaped front to back, it also angles to the left side first. So lying on your left side will help you get further up. Angling the rod to your left and let the water do its thing again will do the trick as well.

What I sometimes do is fill up with water and use a butt-plug chaser on it. ( I do like chasers ;) ). The full feeling will make you want to take a dump, and that relaxes the sphincter. But instead of water coming out, there’s a plug coming in. Your body wants to open anyway so the plug just slides in. If you’re tight, just go halfway and retract a bit, use the escaping water as lube for the next slow invading wave of plug-ness. If you don’t lose water, it will be forced higher up you colon.

To get most of the water back out again, I do the “happy dance”.  Just stand on one foot and pop out your hip sideways. Like the move chorus girls do to keep bobbing on the music while waiting for the next intricate pattern.  Alternate your feet obviously. After that, just stick your booty out and wiggle it. You’ll know when you got the rhythm because the weight of your ass will actually help you swing from side to side. The “cola” will be flung out of you, so best to point your ass to a wall.

Warning: If you ever mention this mental picture to me in person: I Will Kill You.

The goal is to get your intestines moving about so any trapped water will find its way down and out. Walking would work as well but at this point I want to be IN the shower as much as possible. Hopping up and down on your heels with your toes on the ground works as well. Yeah, should have gone with that.

tips & tricks:

Cleaning is a shitty business. You don’t have to like it, but you need to be able to handle that shit. At some point you need to wipe the warm squishy brown putty of your tools and off your walls.  If you getting aroused now, google “scat play”.

If you’re prone to hemorrhoids, always use some preparation H after stretching your ass.

useful things:

The knife’s edge


This blog post is about a workshop we did that created a lot of feedback. The workshop was called FEAR and was about a sub being broken using various kinds of fear, with the fear of bodily harm being the most prevalent. We heard from several people that this was too extreme for a workshop and many were shocked by what they saw, doms and subs alike. This is not a defense of the workshop but my view on extreme play. However, to give this post context, I should give some salient point about the workshop:

  • A quote from the workshop’s description :”Are there limits with this play, can you go too far? Come explore with us, the sublime to obscene, the overwhelming to silent. Not for the faint of heart, or sensitive of soul.

  • at the beginning of the workshop it was clearly stated that concepts like SSC and RACK did not apply here. This was consensual non-consensual  for players that know each other extremely well and this should not be tried with someone you just met.

  • The participants were consenting adults who have engaged in this kind of play before and it is well with their limits.

  • A hunting knife was positioned dead-center at the subs eye-ball.

  • The sub passed out 3 times for a second.

  • The sub was repeatedly punched and sensory deprived

  • The sub was incoherent at the end.

Maybe we should have made it more plain by saying “we are going to break someone, if that bothers you, please leave. We’ll give you your money back.” (although with one attendee, he’d want his money back after attending the workshop)

the basics:

The workshop had 3 main characters: Master Olivier, his partner Pup Sparky and their friend Master Mason. All 3 of them engage in extreme forms of play. I remember when I met them for the first time, Sparky proudly showed off a burn mark on his ass by an iron (like for clothes) from a scene a month ago. In fact, I’ve never seen Sparky without one or more bruises. Mason told us his favorite toy for BDSM is a hammer. Master Olivier, wearing a shirt with Satan on it,  told us with a glint in his brimstone eyes that he fucked a priest in the priest’s church, on the priest’s own altar. ( and he was the one chasing Sparky with the iron) I’m going call them by their first names from now on. Because I’m family, unky O and unky M will forgive me. (*runs*)

Sparky and Olivier both have degrees in psychology. (Not that I’m impressed by that, since I have one as well.) They also were title holders and later organizers of the International Leather Sir/boy contest (ILSb). Mason is a redneck biker ( think sons of anarchy un-disneyfied) with a wife that’s (apparently) scarier than he is (She comes next year, so… love you Auntie. Kiss Kiss).

All live in the same town and teach classes in the US on various subjects. I say this to point out that they have the brains to know the risks of what they are doing, they KNOW each other and they play HARD.

the intermediate:

I wasn’t particularly bothered by what I saw, I WAS caught up by the intensity of it and the juxtaposition between the aggression of Mason and the cool, almost detached, running commentaryfrom Olivier. I would never do such play because I would go nuclear and a wailing and gnashing of teeth would ensue after my acid tongue scarred souls forever (I’m the sub in this scenario).  

So, not every kink is for everyone. Everyone has a different idea of what is extreme and how far you can take it. Take gun-play, for some it might be exciting just to have a nozzle put to your head or in your mouth, for others things get interesting if they’re not sure if it’s loaded or not…. Or take daddy-play: you can call your Dom daddy and have him as a mentor or you can rump about in diapers throwing your baby bottle across the room.

The idea of breaking someone or being broken is a rather common fantasy. However, the workshop took that fantasy and showed you the raw quivering reality of how someone can be broken.  Theoretically it may be horny to be so completely and utterly all-in in the exchange of power but the visceral reaction to actually seeing it, is quite another. 

In this case violence was the primary factor but I believe that people wouldn’t be less shocked if a more psychological/emotional approach would have been taken. In fact, people might be more shocked I think.  Everyone can relate to a threat of bodily harm, but to see a sub mentally destroyed with his flaws/fears exposed and his mental supports torn down until there is a gibbering pile of despair. How would you feel about that?

I think the core issue with con non-con is that you consent to play in a way that doesn’t need –or want- your consent during the play. So, you might regret having said YES when saying NO now might mean nothing. (not that a “no” was heard during the workshop).  I can argue it is RACK( since all parties knew what they were getting into) and more moral than going out looking for a random fight like a hooligan( since at some point consent was given)

We definitely turned some people off from this kind of scene. Good, they learned that this is not for them without too big a scar or risk. Some people had a glint in their eye. Good, they saw it done and hopefully picked up some techniques and heard the warnings.

This kind of scene needs to be so extremely tailored to the participants, that a playbook is hard to give. Other than it’s dangerous to play with the inner weaknesses of the sub without a thorough plan for afterwards. Mason and Sparky both needed aftercare after this. For Sparky it’s obvious why, but also Mason needed time to retreat from the place they both went. Don’t think it’s easier for the dom to descend and claw out of the mental abyss that is needed for this. To stand in your darkest place, accept this is you, revel in the malicious tendencies within you with sadistic glee, and somehow extricate yourself again to be fit for human company.

tips & tricks:

I think the only mistake we made in this workshop was the consent of the participants. The play was well within the limits of Sparky, Olivier and Mason. We didn’t take into account the limits of the people watching this and we clearly went over THEIR limits.

Would I do this workshop again next year? Yes, I would. It’s extremely rare to see something so intense and intimate as a non-participant and for the curious it’s a chance to examine feelings they didn’t know they had about the subject: good and bad. I would however make it more clear on how far beyond normal play this goes and that the workshop is perhaps more about your fear than Sparky’s.

useful things: