Coming out, and out, and out,….


Being gay men, we’ve all had our coming out. However mundane or traumatic it was, I think for most of us it marked the beginning of an era and was a major step to make. Being into fetish or Kink can feel like a second coming out within the gay community. Another major step towards your own sexuality. The question is: why does it feel like a major step to come out for your preferences?

the basics:

I think the answer is, although ugly, very simple.


You may not like it and you may disagree, but I think the reason why the admission of being gay or into kink is so hard, is because somehow you feel some shame for being that way.

As if being gay makes you less masculine than being straight.
As if getting fucked makes you less masculine than fucking another man.
As if being kinky makes you more a pervert than a vanilla gay.
As if being submissive makes you less respectable than wanting to dominate.

The answer is of course: NO! Gays can be as masculine as straights, vanilla-practitioners can be as fucked up as kinksters and subs are as admirable as doms.

And Yet….

The average gay man acts more feminine than the average straight man
Boasting of having fucked 3 guys is cooler that boasting you could take 3 guys last night.
Saying you had great oral sex is easier that saying you had a great boot-licking session.
walking on the street collared and leashed is harder than leading a collared sub around. (pun intended)

I don’t think it’s accidental that we have gay PRIDE, bear PRIDE or leather PRIDE for those people who came out to be of that specific preference. Might it initially be to squash any residual shame left from coming out?

the intermediate:

As a gay leather boy I had to come out as gay, come out as kinky within the gay community and come out as submissive within the gay kink community. And every coming out felt as an admission of not being what a REAL man is supposed to be, although nobody would accuse me of being effeminate.

Being in the leather scene is very much about masculinity for me. I am a man looking to hook up with men, not gender-benders. However, how can i feel masculine if my role is anything but the classical image? So, as usual, Dom’s have it easy. Let’s look at subs.

There are of course tricks of asserting your masculinity in a less-masculine role. Showing off your battle-scars of last night’s play to point out the masculine virtue of “being able to take it” is a common practice. Also embracing the opposite by being  extra un-masculine/submissive, displays the very masculine virtue of being non-conformist. Or replacing male pride with kink pride because you are a REAL slave.

One can even justify his submissiveness in evolutionary terms. If some men are made to lead, there must be men that are better suited to follow in order for any cooperation to emerge. Some may say they’re sub because it’s a good way to deal with stuff. ( note: I did NOT say trauma, I said stuff) The mind is a flexible devious thing, so the list can go on and on how male pride can be transmuted, augmented or substituted.

But after all the rationalizations, explanations, justifications, theorems  and excuses,  you’re still submissive. And it’s not about explaining why you are like that but accepting you are like that. However, I think there are 2 issues here that shouldn’t be mixed up. One is the fact you find yourself being submissive, the other is the expectations others place on you because you call yourself submissive.

On the first point, accepting there is a submissive streak in you, I’ll tell you a little secret: it’s about accepting what you are. As you mature, you’ll discover more and more things you don’t really like in yourself. Like being a coward in some situations. Or not always taking the moral high road. Or you don’t play guitar well enough to be a rock-star. At this point you have a choice: unlearn, accept or improve. And like being gay, I don’t think it’s a choice but a matter of coming out to yourself as being submissive. But remember it’s part of who you are, not the definition of you.

On the second point, if you have a hard time exhibiting the behavior that others expect from you , it’s either because you’re not ready for it or maybe you’re not that kind of submissive.  A Dom can push you a bit to punch through the initial shame in order for you to come into your own but he shouldn’t shove you in a mold you don’t fit in.

Most Subs I know try to become more submissive not less, or be submissive in other ways. Explore the sub-ness of you, but realize, just as there are different types of Dom, there are different types of sub. I’ve seen pain-pigs that swear and curse and graphically described the dom’s ancestry ( a lot of animals in there, apparently) and I’ve seen pale house-boys that would rather die than be noticed in their Dom’s shadow.

If you’re uncomfortable with some part of being sub, maybe you’re not that kind of sub. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, or do feel the need to come out as not being a total sub?

tips & tricks:

If I used the phase REAL in this post, it wasn’t meant as a positive thing.

useful things:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference. – The Serenity Prayer

If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? - RuPaul


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