How to be an ass
Me and my ass have been in a shitty relationship until I decided to Google how to clean it properly. The weird thing is, bottoms amongst each other don’t really talk about it while they all do it and maybe have some tips to share about it. The internet is a fine source of information if you take the consensus of several websites but what works for someone else might not work for me. So, should I regurgitate the things I read online or just post the links? Just the links would make for a short blog. I think I’ll give the highlights (sounds better, if less kinky, than regurgitating) and add some details that seem common sense to me and some highly personal / embarrassing practices might spice up this post. Second, do I only talk about cleaning or fucking as well? I’m pretty anal when it comes to cleaning. I refuse to deal with any funky smell anywhere, a side effect from coming out in the height of the AIDS epidemic. So, I’ll focus on cleaning.
The way to clean out is with “the water, the whole water and nothing but the water”. Oh, and lube, plenty of lube.
Most people use a douche rod (aka enema set) for cleaning. It can be bulb-activated or (indirectly) hooked up to your shower. I see 2 types or rods nowadays, the ones with multiple small holes at the end and the funnel type (one large hole in the center), making the rod more of a tube. Everybody warns against high pressure against the delicate walls of your ass but you still want some volume of water going through. So, if you’re in the market, go for the funnel type. High volume of water * small holes= high pressure. high pressure + delicate walls = hemorrhoids. Do the math!
The timeframe: If you want to get hammered, a few hours before. Cleaning dries our your ass a bit, and this gives it time to recover. If you’re new to this, make a night out of it. Changes are, some side-effects might keep you busy the rest of the evening. In any case, take it slow. If you're as sub, you probably like to be forced during play but don't have your ass out of business because you forced yourself during prep.
For temperature, it should be lukewarm. For me that's “meh, at least not cold” on the hand and “hmm, piss is warmer” on the thigh. I personally like warm water but be aware this may cause you anal walls to slough off ( the whitish membranes that appear in your expelled water), lukewarm will actually help you open up more than cold or warm water will.
Lube the rod and your ass on the outside before starting. I normally use silicone based because water-soluble products are, surprisingly, water soluble. But if you anticipate some rimming action, your top (note, did not say Dom) might not appreciate munching on stale frying fat.
If you’re tight, just put the tip of the rod at your ass and let the velvety water make its own insidious pathways into you. Some light(!) pressure will gradually let the rod slip in. Remember to relax and breathe. You probably know the anus is S-shaped front to back, so pointing the rod away from the bellybutton and toward your coccyx will make penetration easier.
DO NOT CLENCH TIGHTLY ON THE ROD! That’s another way to get hemorrhoids. Just relax and let the water drain out of you as its being fed into you. You might want to take the rod out for a moment to let some chunky-monkey business out.
Once the water runs clear, let your ass fill up with water by clenching LIGHTLY on the rod and take it out when you feel you’re full. Hold for as long as you can without forcing yourself but no longer than 5 minutes. Breathing will help the water get further and enable you to hold on to it for longer. Rinse and repeat until the water is clear.
Basically you’re done now. Do I really need to tell you a normal shower at this point is a good idea? For those who are confused, a hint: your legs are covered in ass-juice at this point.
However, if you cleaned too much and aren’t used to that, you might get the feeling of having the worst case of the runs ever, with nothing coming out. Or you ass might decide to give a liquid encore 10-30 minutes later. I’ve had that in the first year I cleaned. Your body gets used to being cleaned and/or you learn what not to do.
If you want to clean further, besides your colon being S-shaped front to back, it also angles to the left side first. So lying on your left side will help you get further up. Angling the rod to your left and let the water do its thing again will do the trick as well.
What I sometimes do is fill up with water and use a butt-plug chaser on it. ( I do like chasers ;) ). The full feeling will make you want to take a dump, and that relaxes the sphincter. But instead of water coming out, there’s a plug coming in. Your body wants to open anyway so the plug just slides in. If you’re tight, just go halfway and retract a bit, use the escaping water as lube for the next slow invading wave of plug-ness. If you don’t lose water, it will be forced higher up you colon.
To get most of the water back out again, I do the “happy dance”. Just stand on one foot and pop out your hip sideways. Like the move chorus girls do to keep bobbing on the music while waiting for the next intricate pattern. Alternate your feet obviously. After that, just stick your booty out and wiggle it. You’ll know when you got the rhythm because the weight of your ass will actually help you swing from side to side. The “cola” will be flung out of you, so best to point your ass to a wall.
Warning: If you ever mention this mental picture to me in person: I Will Kill You.
The goal is to get your intestines moving about so any trapped water will find its way down and out. Walking would work as well but at this point I want to be IN the shower as much as possible. Hopping up and down on your heels with your toes on the ground works as well. Yeah, should have gone with that.
tips & tricks:
Cleaning is a shitty business. You don’t have to like it, but you need to be able to handle that shit. At some point you need to wipe the warm squishy brown putty of your tools and off your walls. If you getting aroused now, google “scat play”.
If you’re prone to hemorrhoids, always use some preparation H after stretching your ass.